


Captain's Log

by lighthouseglow



Series: Nexus Archives [2]
Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Depression, Earthborn (Mass Effect), Gen, Personal Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sole Survivor (Mass Effect)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-12
Updated: 2014-11-12
Packaged: 2018-02-25 03:32:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 718
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2606936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lighthouseglow/pseuds/lighthouseglow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Crying is not allowed. You are a Marine.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Captain's Log

**Author's Note:**

> I try to play Lily Shepard as close to my own personality as possible; this is just me developing her character and figuring out how she handles anxiety, depression and PTSD.

I squinted with great difficulty at the vid screen. “The quality on this thing is shit.”

“I thought you bought that recently, Lily.”

“I did. The problem is that the movie’s…about two hundred years old, Joker. Want some coffee?”

“Sure.” He made me think of one of my friends back on earth; she also had a limp. Camille, her name was. French accent. She loved it when I told her stories; she was a couple of years younger than I was. The one benefit of being raised on the streets was that we didn’t need parents; we sheltered each other as best we could. 

“Shepard. Shepard.”

“Yeah? What?”

“Pass me the coffeepot. You still have it.”

“…Sorry. I haven’t been sleeping well; I feel kind of spacey today. Haha,” I said dryly. “It’s too cold in our quarters at night; I’ll ask Anderson for extra blankets. I’m not used to the temperature yet.”

“Why not?”

“You didn’t know I’m from north Florida?”

“To be fair, you don’t talk much.”

“That’s ‘cause I don’t know who to trust. You can never be sure of people’s motives, know if they’re genuine or not. I respect Anderson, but he’s…not like my father figure or anything. I can look out for myself just fine, antique vids and everything.”

“What were you watching just now?”

“Ridley Scott’s Alien, 1979. Launched the career of Sigourney Weaver, who played Ripley. It also stars John Hurt, who was also in V For Vendetta, made in 2006, and Watership Down, an animated film about rabbits made in—”

“Okay, stop—”

“—The 1970s. Ian Holm, who plays Ash, was also Bilbo Baggins in The Lord of the Rings trilogy. He was also in Chariots of Fire.”

“Are you done?”

“Sorry. I know too much about vids. Especially stuff from the mid-1990s to the early twenty-first century. Have you watched The Matrix, Joker? Hilarious! The technology in that is so outdated and Keanau Reeves was only good in a Gus Van Sant vid… You don’t care, d’you?”

“I don’t have time for vids, with all due respect, Commander.”

“You should! We should watch Martin Scorsese’s vids sometime!”

“…Who’s that?”

“One of my favorite vid directors ever. The Age of Innocence was his best, in my opinion. Joker?” I noticed he was staring at my vid screen “…Oh. The scene with the facehugger! It looks like a piece of pasta! Really thick pasta.”

“Why are you looking away?”

“It’s the one scene I can’t watch. That scene reminds me of a transformation in a werewolf movie.” I realized I was being a little overenthusiastic; on the streets, they don’t teach you to handle normal social situations with…boys. “I’m sorry, I talk too much.”

“Nah, not at all. I didn’t know quiet, keeps-to-herself-and-barely-speaks Shepard had hobbies. So, what exactly is this about?”

“A darker, adult version of Star Wars. A crew finds this monster and it wreaks havoc on their ship, killing ‘em one by one.”

“Can I borrow it?” interrupted Kaidan as he came in for breakfast. “I don’t care about the quality; it sounds really good for an old vid from the 1970s. There isn’t much to do belowdecks, anyway, and I have a vid player as well…”

“If you’d like,” I said, suddenly feeling like Kaidan had spoiled _something_ , though I couldn’t name what it was. “Oh! I need my medication; Kaidan, d’you mind passing it this way? The yellow bottle with the blue capsules.”

“Certainly, Shepard. You should eat something with it so…”

“Nah, not…not…hungry, thank you, though.” _Crying is not allowed. You are a Marine. You are a Marine. You are a goddamn Marine! You’re twenty-eight! How about you act like it, bitch? You’re a Marine!_

I furiously pulled my brown hair into a ponytail and tried not to look at myself in the bathroom mirror a few minutes later. Somebody was tapping on the door and I opened it to find Kaidan standing there with my vid player in hand. “You left this in the kitchen.”

“Thanks.” _I’m hurting; fuck off and leave me alone!_

“You don’t look so good. You sure I can’t do anything?”

“I swear I’m in control.”

I didn’t cry till I reached my quarters and buried my face in a pillow so the crew couldn’t hear.


End file.
